The Languagues of Love

Written by on April 26, 2021

(This blog contains Explicit language)…….

So, it ended huh?  That love that lasted a decade, it decided to fuck-a-dee fuck out the front door with not so much as a… “it’s been swell, thanks for the memories”. It is like going for an emergency shit after a vindaloo and finding all that remains in the cubicle is that last shred of toilet roll, it doesn’t end well and it gets messy. Or it is like going into a lightsaber dual with Darth Vader and realising your child had unplugged the charger the night before so now it is on ‘battery low’, it doesn’t end well and it is disappointing. Or it is like going to Jurassic Park with a Turkey Dinosaur sandwich packed lunch and the T-rex takes offence, it doesn’t end well and it is painful. Or it is like eating a mushroom then jumping on some turtle heads and sliding down pipes. However, then realising that was no power up mushroom and you are now high in a zoo in your Mario onesie being reprimanded for twatting turtles on the head whilst being stuck in a green slide. It doesn’t end well and it is embarrassing. I literally could do these all day but to summarise, it doesn’t end well.

So you may be wallowing in self pity and sadness mourning your loss like Augustus Gloop when Willy Wonka announced they were lowering the sugar intake in their chocolate bars. However, I am going  to ask you a simple question: were you truly happy? Don’t answer that straight away. Let me introduce you to love languages, no not French (that is the language of love). 
Go to this website:

It seems dumb but fill it in. (Don’t worry I am not going anywhere, I will stay safely tucked away on the data of your phone). 
Let’s be honest, only 1 out of 10 of you will click on that link because you are all here for the funnys really. I’m not dumb, you know. Though brownie points (or whatever tray bake takes your fancy) for those one out of ten that did click. You are now my official teachers pets and are top of the class. 

I guess I better explain for you lazy bums who couldn’t be asked to click. So you may think you were in love. In fact you most probably were in that moment in your mind. You may be sat there thinking I wasn’t good enough for them and I am an awful human being blah blah blah (bad self hate demon, fuck off). However, have you ever thought maybe you weren’t right for each other?
There are five love languages (how we give and feel love, explained this already keep up) with dumb as fuck names so I am going to simplify them. 

1. Personal touch- no this isn’t just putting the clock on the wall (sex) it can be hand holding, kissing, cuddling or anything involving touch.

 2. Words of affirmation- Lets say what these posh twats mean: praise. Supporting your partner, telling them you love them, congratulating them on their achievements and complimenting them, are all examples.

3. Acts of service- You don’t want a butler but you want action. Doing chores, cooking and other tasks that make your partner feel all sweet, warm and fuzzy like a mouldy jelly bean.

4. Gifts- they nailed naming this one, it says what it is on the tin. Receiving gifts. (No opening this bad boy up expecting a can of tuna and getting a can of corned beef).

5. Quality time- I think you can make an educated guess at this one too. You smart fucker, you. Time spent together doing something you both enjoy.

So think back. Were your love languages being met? Did your beautiful wife Claire who you ‘loved’ so much, fulfill what you needed? Sure, she may of wanted sex every night but was she buying you the flowers and chocolates you needed to feel loved? Maybe, she was great at snuggling on the sofa with a film but never loaded the goddamn dishwasher or painted the bathroom because she kept getting distracted? Was she full of praise about how awesome you were (cause let’s be honest you are) but never cooked? 

So instead of thinking you are a failure, an awful person or you weren’t good enough maybe consider, for whatever reason, you both were not fulfilling each others love languages. There is no blame and no fault here. A German language speaker would not be angry at a Spanish speaking person for not understanding each another. It wasn’t because either of you weren’t good enough but rather because somewhere, somehow you became lost in translation.

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