A Dumb Idea: The Tinder Prequel

Written by on November 19, 2021

Sometimes I have eureka moments sat in bed. (That is not code for anything sexual) Sometimes I wish these ideas remained in my head. (Hey, that rhymed) “I wonder what it would be like to join Tinder as a girl and see their perspective”. After all I had heard some horrifying camp stories about dating apps that make Crystal Lake and Elm Street look like a Brownie getaway consisting of roasting marshmallows and doing bush craft. “Hmmm” I wondered “I might do a post asking if this is a good plan. I doubt it would be a popular idea”. Soooooo… nearing 200 likes later I have essentially committed to this weird ass fucking odyssey into penis land i.e. Tinder . (I am not a dancing monkey for your amusement guys. I have feelings).

Let’s do this. Step one: become a woman. (Has there ever been a more drastic, in your face step one. If my Lego set started like that when I was younger I would of calmly folded the instructions back into the box and returned it to Toys’R’Us. My Millennium Falcon was not worth losing my winky over) Now as much as I love you guys I was not prepared to commit to a sex change. (The pen was on the dotted line but alas the ink runneth dry) So I borrowed and edited (beyond recognition) a picture of a friend, nice looking woman. Hey presto, within a minute I was a beautiful-ish woman who, male me wouldn’t mind Netflix and chilling with. (Very confusing times, would it count as masturbation?) Though the picture looks nothing like me… thank fuck.

Next, let’s name me. The obvious choice is Paula, Paulette or Pauline. I mean I could go crazy. Veronica Codsbottom, for instance. Lets stick with Pauline though. I am going to be 25 (mainly because at the age of 28 I am so tired and withered the only thing I could attract is a coffin with ease).

I am a female (tehehe I ain’t). I am straight. (I really am I swear… this would be an odd way to find out I wasn’t though. Seeing all the depressed elephants in the tinder zoo somehow awakening my inner sexuality). Now for university I wanted to put Notamaningshire University but I feel some clever sod would of cottoned onto that (reread it). I went to the University of the West of England. Care to elaborate? Nope. Come on? It ain’t East, South or North of England, that has narrowed it down splendidly.

What five things do I like? Let’s do a weird combination. So I love listening to 1. GRIME in 2. STATELY HOMES but then on Sunday, hitting 3. CARBOOT SALES for 4. CAT toys. Oh 5. BLOGGING cause that is not a lie.

A bio… lets bring in some of your stories (I could not think of a way to include incontinence sexily, sorry whoever shared that):

Just looking for fun! I love photography, Netflix (sometimes chill too) and all animals. My nickname is jugs (dont ask me why lol). Just want someone to play footsie with under the table and laugh at awful chat up lines with.

I think that should attract some odd ones. My job can be dancer because my hips ďont lie but my penis is telling porkies. Finally lets select an anthem. Lets search ‘man’. Perfect… Jessie J- Man With A Bag. Never heard of it but I am quite accurately a man with a (ball) bag. Profile done.

Now I will set out a few ground rules. Any nice guy will not be made to look a fool of. (They do exist) We are only looking for the bottom of the barrel here. The men who you described in the comments. The penis picture takers, foot lovers and men who ask if you could wear a bra and send it back to them. Even these people will remain anonymous though their actions will not. Wish me luck as I delve into tinder as a woman and report my findings back to you. Oh side note, my really amazing friend and blogger, Plenty of Fuck Ups is also in control of the tinder profile so we can share the torture together. Go team

 

 

 

 

 

 

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